When I wrote that last post, I was in the thick of a heavy bout of "Who am I to have a voice, be creative, be known?" I felt it was real - it actually seemed the best path to stop trying to make a difference in the world or, heaven forbid, to continue trying to identify and use my gifts. The voice in my head says, "You are not special. You are only embarrassing yourself and you might be rejected or shown up as a fraud who doesn't really have anything worth contributing". That's so dumb, right? And I would instantly recognise it as dumb if someone else was struggling with it. But for myself, it seems kind of logical. And protective.
Thanks to some expert debunking conversations with my man, and some prayer, I feel like it is in the background. I am not operating out of the self doubt and fear that I was two weeks ago. As steps of defiance, I am planning a prayer retreat for the women in our church, I am starting a healthy eating and weight loss programme to get back some control over my blood sugar levels, and I have joined Twitter. It feels good.
You've read this before, but it's VERY good:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is
that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness
that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are
a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is
nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel
insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were
born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just
in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we
unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are
liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates
others.”
----from A Return to Love, by Marianne Williamson.
