Vonerable

Liminal

I'm getting dizzy from oscillating between fighting for freedom and living in it. You know, freedom from fears, freedom from the sluggishness of choosing to drown out the fear. Three steps forward, two and nine-tenths step back. Trying to celebrate that one-tenth, baby! So I loved this when a friend sent it through. I think you will too:

Life can become problem-solving, fixing, explaining, and taking sides with winners and losers It can be a pretty circular and even nonsensical existence.  Instead, we have to allow ourselves to be drawn into sacred space, liminality. All transformation takes place there. We have to move out of ‘business as usual’ and remain on the ‘threshold’ (limen, in Latin) where we are betwixt and between. There, the old world is left behind, but we’re not sure of the new one yet. 

That’s a good space. Get there often and stay as long as you can by whatever means possible. It’s the realm where God can best get at us because we are out of the way. In sacred space the old world is able to fall apart, and the new world is able to be revealed. If we don’t find liminal space in our lives, we start idolizing normalcy. We end up believing it;s the only reality, and our lives shrivel. (Richard Rohr, Everything Belongs)

I'm also listening to material on the priority of maintaining connection: with your children, partner, friends. When you need to say something difficult, you can do it if the connection is already strong, yes? If there connection is shaky, the relationship might not be able to handle the strain of sorting through the conflict. Just now, Geronimo is being VERY 'geronimo'. He is reeeally hard to handle, especially as the day wears on, and often bears the brunt of my frustration in the form of yelling, angry looks, and unkind words. I am having more success, though, in tempering my reactions and working to maintain a connection with him. It feels good and it's very good timing to be thinking on this stuff just as he seems to be going through a particularly difficult stage. I guess that's one of those 'one-tenths' I'm celebrating. 

And you? What's your 'one-tenth'? Or is it a whole 'one'?! I hope so.

 

Disenchanted Forest

It turns out, if you are spray painting branches to look like magic, frosted, wedding-y trees, you need to use a fair bit of paint. About two cans per tree! A thin coat produces, as Prunella so aptly described it, a Disenchanted Forest of pale, creepy, grey trees. In case you need to know.

 

 

Another thing you might need to know is this: fear is the grey, creepy forest where all manner of bad things in your life grow. Thrive, in fact. Fear is the perfect soil for everything that holds you back from being who you were meant to be. Who you long to be. Fear grows lethargy, false protection, "couldn't-possibly"s, and procrastination. I gave some fear the boot a couple of weeks ago. Fear that seemed pretty reasonable in my circumstances, but, well, fear is fear is fear. It's all bad. And I love how things look around here now it's gone. There's a sense of possibility and hope that feels like sitting in a sunny spot of the garden that you've just weeded. These weeds were so big they were actually blocking out the sun. 
 

Nests

The themes of hiding and avoiding are still swirling. If themes could swirl. Which is why I was drawn to Pema Chodron's book, The Places that Scare You: A guide to fearlessness in difficult times. Whilst I don't normally read buddhist work, there is a lot in her book that I love. Like this:

All too frequently we relate like timid birds who don't dare to leave the nest. Here we sit in a nest that's getting pretty smelly and that hasn't served its function for a very long time. No one is arriving to feed us. No one is protecting us and keeping us warm. And yet we keep hoping mother bird will arrive. 

We could do ourselves the ultimate favor and get out of that nest. That this takes courage is obvious.The we could use some helpful hints is also clear. We may doubt that we're up to being a warrior-in-training. But we can ask ourselves this question: "Do I prefer to grow up and relate to life directly, or do I choose to live and die in fear?"

So often I am finding myself sitting in the nest. Under a blanket. With the curtains closed. And not because I made a conscious decision to hide, I just find myself there. Retreating is second nature and the nest is definitely preferable to relating to life directly. Of course, there are lots of things I have to do as a parent and a moderately well functioning human being that see me roaming far from my comfortable, private space. But I do find it very draining and I have always been envious of, and intrigued by, friends who don't even seem to have a nest. How very grown up and uncomplicated!       

So I'm asking myslef the question more often about what I want, not what will feel comfortable. How do you deal with this? Do you have a nest? Do you leave it often? Do you keep the address of your nest a secret?!

 

Teeming with calm

Transformation - I'm claiming that as my word. Not just for this year. For life. I'm no paragon. There's so many things I'm still struggling with as a middle aged woman that I really should have sorted already! But I love the idea of people being set free and growing through whatever keeps them from being the best them they can be. And I love to be part of it. 

Of course, as you work with others while they're growing and changing, you also grow, which can be uncomfortable if your vehicle for helping them is running a course or doing a talk. I've never felt so vulnerable. Yes, I really did just write that. No pun intended but really, no other word will do. I don't want undesirables googling words that are similar to vulnerable and finding my blog. Get my drift?

So, I find myself a bit freaked out and very internally focused. I'm always navel gazing but the last couple of weeks have been intense. In a nutshell, after telling God (to be read with a whiny tone), "There's nothing I can change. My energy is so limited and I'm so overwhelmed by just doing the absolute basics of parenting and housekeeping. I. can't. do. this. Wah wah wah". Then I had the strongest impression, that, actually, there was one thing I could change: being still. 

Not my strong suit. Unless we're talking about the 'unmoving in front of the tv, computer, or book' type of still. I'm Olympic level 'still' for those! I have a weird aversion to any kind of intentional, focused quiet ... and yet I long for it. Is it just me? To sit and read my bible or pray for any extended period of time is a monumental battle even though I love it when it does happen. Even though I know it's the one thing that will get me through the times when it all feels too much. Which is every day. (Yes, if I were in a developing nation with actual, non-existential, life-threatening issues, I would be toast)

For about two weeks now, I've been spending time in prayer and contemplation daily. Wish I could say it's been easy or that I've loved every minute, but it does feel very right. And I know it might take a long time to see any change in the rest of my day. I'm still overwhelmed by 6.00pm every day.

Or maybe 3.25pm. It only takes 5 minutes from the time the littles exit the classroom to be in a full-blown Parenting Situation. Usually involving one child pleading, "Can you please make them stop looking at me/making that noise/leaning on me/eating so loudly/breathing my air?!" The aggravation. 

I sat down tonight thinking I had nothing to say.

Back on the horse.